What happens when you look at a model or a beautiful woman and compare her to yourself? Do you see them as fat or ugly, or is it that you think they are beautiful but you personally have to be much thinner to be pretty?
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I am not anorexic. I eat every day. I dismiss it as teen angst, but for much of my life I've been told I have an eating disorder and I really wonder if I'm just in denial. TW: EDs, numbers. I'm a year old, 5'2" female; I've struggled with an eating disorder for about two years now, and just got out of residential treatment with my weight restored at 97 lbs. Regardless of what weight I'm at, I would always perceive my body as being "too much".
Even when I was 69 lbs I felt like there were still parts I had to make smaller. I hated that I took up so much room and felt like my body was constantly overflowing its bounds because it was so fat. For reference, this is me at 74 lbs. Even when all my adult clothes wouldn't fit me anymore because they were too big, and when my clothes from childhood would be too loose on me, I still thought I was large. When I look back at photos of myself just a couple of months ago, I'm shocked and can't believe I thought I needed to lose more weight.
But anorexia really does make a person delusional.
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It is addicting because it creates a world where there is no one else-- you don't have to deal with other people, and because you're so hungry all the time, you don't have to deal with any other emotions. This is useful when you're having trouble grappling with difficult realities and traumas, such as sexual abuse, family issues, feelings of hopelessness, etc.
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- How I Recovered From Anorexia—And How I’ll Always Be In Recovery | SELF.
- Understanding Eating Disorders.
It is very numbing, but also very lonely because after a while you forget how to connect with other humans, and it also takes a toll on your brain, so I wasn't able to study efficiently and stay in school anymore. For me, it was my way of killing myself passively, because I didn't want to exist in this world anymore-- my body was always "too much", because I just wanted it to be gone completely. But it differs from person to person.
Selective Visual Attention during Mirror Exposure in Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa
Body dysmorphia is an integral part of ANY eating disorder. My position as an anorexic in recovery which is, I think, the only stage I can ever reach is that I can see myself as I really am. I can look in the mirror and see what I look like, but the second I'm not actively observing my body - I'm immediately overweight. I have to consciously look at myself and disassociate from it in order to accurately tell what my body shape is, otherwise I see someone big Once I have detached, I can see accurately. My fingers are the only things that allow me to feel my body for how it is - I can run them over my stomach or my ribs, my hips and my thighs and feel that I'm at a slender but healthy weight.
An anorexic is likely to say 'I feel fat'. What does that mean?
For me it was self-hatred, fear, self-destructive tendencies, helplessness and a hell of a lot of other things. When a person has body dysmorphia, it is often their mental state of being that they transpose onto their physical size. Feeling fat doesn't exist. Feeling shit and turning that into 'I'm fat' does. And that's what fucks with the heads of many sufferers. Oh my.
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I might just have discovered I have a problem. I lost a bunch of weight in the last year because of stress, but when I look in the mirror, I cannot see that. All I see is how there's still quite a lot that could go away. I also never believe I really lost that weight.
Anorexia stories and tips to beat it - News, real life, opinion - Mirror Online
I regularly check the labels on my new clothes because I can't believe I wear those sizes. But your description of feeling your weight with your fingers feels right, I can do that. The feeling by touch is different than the feeling on the inside. But now that I lost some, I really want to lose more. Anorexia Anoxeria can be genetic disorder like diabetes - and not just 'in the mind'. Eating disorders Mum's 'ghost family' helping her anorexia recovery after weight dropped to 5st.
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